In a parallel universe…

Imagine if they remade The Avengers in Tamil….

The first thing we have to settle is the lead actor. Tamil movies need a hero, there may be ‘multi-hero’ movies but usually there is only 1 A-list actor per movie. If The Avengers were made in Tamil, Iron Man would have to be considered the hero. Why? He has a snazzy outfit, the wittiest lines,a hot chick by his side AND saves the world be almost sacrificing himself. Thus all the requisite boxes are checked. So who can possible headline such a big budget project? Rajnikanth duh, no questions asked. With him, the film will break even easily.

In fact, for my next venture I will have him sitting in a chair reciting the phonebook for two hours. I will film this with my iPhone camera and I believe it will be the movie with the highest return on investment ever, such is the Man’s pull.

His hot chick who appears in 2 scenes will have to be imported from Bollywood, Katrina Kaif will have to do. Just so we can use her for an item number to hype the movie up some more.

Now we have to move on to the rest of the team. Captain America will have to be replaced by Captain India, Vijaykanth, without a doubt, By the way, what is Captain America’s superpower? He basically seems like a gymrat in a corny costume. Hawkeye would be played by Surya. Easy decision as they are both muscular, short guys. Only one person can play Black Widow, Tamil cinema’s resident femme fatale Lakshmi Rai.

We are left with two characters, Thor and The Hulk. Oh wait, I seem to have forgotten about Nick Fury! We will require a character artist to sound serious in the scenes that he appears, Nasser gets it. Thor is a big blonde demi god who plays with hammers and lightning. Hulk is a big green monster. It is here that i utilize my trump card, Kamal Hassan. Since he can act any role and own it, I shall give him Thor. Who better to perform a demi-God than an atheist?!

Head: Hulk has to go to the biggest actor in Tamil Nadu , even if it happens to be female.

Heart: Don’t be a bastard, head!

Head: Don’t be a pussy, heart!

Me: Both of you, shut the fuck up, i’m trying to think!

After much deliberation, i have decided to cast Simbu, sorry STR, as the Hulk solely due to the fact that he managed to get his shirt to rip open with a body that wasn’t all that massive. As for Loki, I will import a random actor from Telugu or Hindi cinema who looks like a badass and can shout really loud.

It’s set then, we have the main cast settled. Now we have to desi-fy the plot. A movie based on a fight over a source of unlimited energy is not going to make a lot of money in India. So the Tesseract is now a dangerous weapon,Bomb-X, that the bad guys have stolen from the Government and the Avengers have to destroy it before the bad guys use it.

Why Bomb-X? As we all know, anything with an X in its name just sounds sinister and high tech.

So the basic plot line is that bad guys are trying to steal this bomb from the Government to blow up some place and the Avengers will have to stop them. The bad guys will succeed in their theft right before the intermission and will try to blow some place up, and will be stopped by the Avengers in the climax. Along the way, Surya will develop an unrequited romance towards Lakshmi Rai, but since he is a supporting actor she does not love him. She will love Rajnikanth, who already has Katrina Kaif. In the end, she will realise Surya’s love and settle for him. The movie will end with our main hero’s soliloquy about the dangers of such weapons and the need for peace while dismantling the device. Yes, I stole adapted that part from Enthiran, sue me.

I think this movie could make tonnes of money and I have already managed to get gcFILM to agree to be the producer. Since it’s their maiden venture, they will spare no expense to make this a hit. The movie is due to hit your local screens in end-2013. As it will be filmed in 3D, please watch it in theatres not youtube.

PS: As soon as the movie is released, you will hear Tamilians saying, ” What wonderful special effects, better than Hollywood movies. Thalaivar rocks again!”. Ignore the first sentence.

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